Most marriages begin with anticipation of a relationship that borders on ecstasy, and the honeymoon may prove to be just that. Sooner or later, however, the new wears off, reality sets in and adjustments have to be made. Even if the initial adjustments are successfully accomplished, there are strains and stresses that can sour a marriage after years have passed. Then, what do you do?
Conventional wisdom in our day is that you just admit that you have made a mistake, divorce and try again—much as you would trade off a car that proved to be a lemon. The first step, therefore, in putting the pieces back together is to accept the fact that divorce is not an option.
Divorce is not an option because of the promise that was made before God and witnesses to “love, honor and cherish: in sickness and in health, in prosperity and adversity, for better or for worse.” A person of integrity keeps his word, even if it proves to have been “for worse.”
Even more significant is the word of Jesus. In answer to a question regarding divorce Jesus said, “. . . what God has joined together, let not man separate” (Matthew 19:6). When a marriage is breaking apart, the only decision for those who respect the authority of Jesus is to put it back together.
Can Broken Marriages be Saved?
Marriage counselors and divorce courts use language that resounds with hopelessness. They say that the two parties are incompatible, that there are “irreconcilable differences” and that the marriage is “irreparably broken.” They use such language because they do not understand the permanence of marriage or the real cause of conflict. The real cause of all broken marriages is sin by one or both parties, and sin has a remedy.
Modern language clothes sin in such respectable garb that it becomes difficult to recognize it. However, any failure to be like Jesus or to follow His teaching is sin. It is unthinkable that two Christ-like individuals would have serious marriage problems. Christ’s love alone—unselfish, long-suffering, sacrificial—would prevent all marriage problems. Practice of the teaching of Jesus would surely prevent the kind of conflicts that endanger marriages. “Therefore, to him who knows to do good and does not do it, to him it is sin” (James 4:17). Sin not only endangers marriages, but it destroys all hope of heaven unless it is forgiven. This makes dealing with the causes of marriage problems all the more imperative.
Saving Broken Marriages
Since sin causes broken marriages, the solution is repentance, confession and prayer. The problem, of course, is getting alienated individuals to see their own sins since they have become so accustomed to blaming their companions.
Changing Attitudes Toward Self
Most parties in a troubled marriage will agree that they are not perfect mates themselves, but then they begin reciting the weaknesses of their spouses. I often ask them how much success they have had in correcting their companion’s faults and the answer is always that they have failed miserably. Then, reminding them that they have confessed that they are not perfect themselves, I suggest that perhaps they should begin working on the faults they can correct—their own.
I then ask both individuals to write down five things they are sure their companions would want them to change. When these are listed, I suggest that for the next week they forget about correcting their companion’s faults and concentrate on changing those things in their own conduct and attitudes that their companion would like them to change. If they will cooperate, this is the beginning of healing.
True love increases not so much by what others do for us as by what we do for others. The more we invest in our marriage, the more we will value it and the more determined we will be to make it work. As Jesus said, “For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also” (Matthew 6:21).
Changing Attitudes Toward Companions.
The next step is to take a more positive look at one’s companion. After asking both partners in a troubled marriage to suggest the things in themselves that they can correct, I then often ask them to try to forget the faults of their partners and make a list of the good qualities they possess. There was something attractive and good in the partner that led to the marriage in the first place. Are those good qualities still there? Are there not other good qualities that have been discovered? Once those good qualities are listed, it is evident that many other people would give anything for a companion that good.
Confession is probably necessary if complete healing is ever to occur—confession not to the church but to one another and to God. The scriptures admonish: “Confess your trespasses to one another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed” (James 5:16). Pride makes this very difficult, especially after serious conflicts. But such pride itself is sin, and it will prevent the healing we seek. “Yes, all of you be submissive to one another, and be clothed with humility, for ‘God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble. (I Peter 5:5).
What if Adultery is Involved?
Jesus did say in (Matthew 19:9), “Whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery; and whoever marries her who is divorced commits adultery.” This identifies one acceptable cause for divorce and even remarriage. It does not, however, require divorce for this cause.
Divorce may be advisable if there is no remorse or if the unfaithfulness is continuing. But when there is penitence, the best course for the “innocent party” is to forgive and hold the marriage together. This is especially true when children are involved and it is often the only hope for the salvation of the one who has sinned. The guilty party should realize that he or she has committed the ultimate offense and should understand the difficulty of forgiveness, but forgiveness is surely the course that an offended Christian should pursue.
What if One Companion Will Not Cooperate?
One spouse may say, “I will try if my companion will.” Even this is not an option. If the Lord requires faithfulness to a promise, self-examination and self-improvement, counting other better than self, confession and forgiveness of those who sin against us, then we do them whether a companion does them or not
We may not think it is fair to have to live with a bad marriage. Neither does it seem fair that one who has had an accident has to live without an arm or leg, but such a person does have to live with it and make the best of it. So it is with marriage. The law of the land may not require that those who make a mistake in marriage live with the consequences of it, but God does. With a Christian that settles it. When a Christian’s marriage goes sour, he or she will do everything possible to put it back together again.
~ by Sewell Hall